Народ, извините, что засоряю тред англоязычным барахлом, но удержаться не могу. Это слишком смешно! Даже Кэсси смеялась... сказала, что это "the best thing EVER!"
PREDICTIONS & UNANSWERED QUESTIONS OF DV
1. Draco gets a clue from his dad and draws a circle on the floor around his epicyclical charm. He manages to summon a similar half demon, who is named Aja. Aja the demon proceeds to run about explaining to Draco all the reasons why his loveforharryissopure. She is very persuasive. The next day he sets out again to find Harry.
2. Harry has been rescued from the Floo Hub by the unexpectedly well-wishing Gilderoy Lockhart. Ironically, after loosing his memory, Lockhart took a vow of poverty and works as a street sweeper. He is also having a surprising affair with Mrs. Weasley. Harry chokes in horror as chicken soup is forced down his throat.
3. Mrs. Weasley owls Hermione and Draco and they come to see Harry, and are mildly disturbed at the living situation, but they figure at least now she has something to do besides knit those awful sweaters. Aja and Mrs. Weasley force everyone to sit down and resolve their differences over cups of tea. All is soon well. Harry resumes quest to destroy evil; Draco resumes sitting in bed and being fawned over.
4. The tears in the antidote are Slytherin's tears. Lucius just had some antidote around the place, but when he said he could make more, well, he was
being a mealy-mouthed liar. There are, however, some mixed in with the blood in Harry's runic band. Voldemort accidentally lets this slip amidst maniacal cackles during his "Ahaha, you cannot escape, so hear my fiendish plan!" speech. Harry yelps, turns around and runs out of the castle, leaving the Minions of Evil gobsmacked. (He gained entry to the castle, by the way, with the assistance of Thorvald and his crowbar).
5. Harry gets to Snape just in time. Snape makes the antidote. Draco drinks it. Draco is cured!
6. Neville, who we have all forgotten about, sneaks into the infirmary the night after. We realize that one of the homework assignments was "research the Unforgivable Curses." Neville has done so and discovered that there IS a cure for Cruciatus induced madness, but it sadly requires a key ingredient in PhoenixFood, and Dumbledore has been monopolizing all the PhoenixFood in England for at least fifty years(hey, they eat a lot!). Neville is outraged at the Forces of Good and has joined the Dark Side. He AKs Draco in his sleep.
7. Draco dies, horribly and tragically. Fangirls are stunned. The fandom is ravaged, Cassie goes into hiding.
8. Draco goes to Hell. Draco does not see Harry following. Draco does not see Harry waiting on the shores of the river. Draco abruptly realizes the disadvantages of one-sided dramatic speeches. He protests to the gatekeeper that he was only joking. Gatekeeper will have none of it. Draco t00bs round with Harry's parents in the Land of the Unavenged, and taunts them mercilessly for ever trusting someone who (willingly) transformed into a
rat.
9. Harry is destroyed by Draco's death. He starts to hang around at TMC a lot and eventually shacks up with Not!Draco. Not!Draco is slightly disturbed, but hey, it's good money, and he sells the photographs to Colin Creevey.
10. Ron hits it off with Rhysenn, and a torrid affair ensues, but we all know this is really just his sublimated attraction for Draco coming out. Yup. *nods wisely* They escape from the roof with demon magic and live happily ever after.
11. Lucius, lying scum that he is, takes Tom/Seamus to see Voldemort. Voldemort is so impressed by the mad sexiness of his former self, that he does not embark on a killing spree of revenge. Instead, a twisted threesome occurs. Much fun is had by all, except for Seamus, who finds out about it later, and, eww.
12. Nobody wants Wormtail. He slumps off dejectedly and is eaten by Kevin.
13. Why did Pansy shoot Draco? She was aiming for Rhysenn. She heard Ron muttering her name during his sexy sleep premonitions and took matters into her own hands. Poor fool, thou dost not toy with fate.
14. Hermione saw H/D in the mirror of erised. She stops denying her inner slasher, buys a computer, and reads fanfiction all day while her world collapses around her. And it is good.
15. Where did Hermione hide the Cup? In Hagrid's beard. Nobody is that ambitious. Nobody.
16. Pansy goes to work at TMC. She makes quite a name for herself, and eventually opens her own branch, We Wuve Weasleys.
17. Tom and Lucius get bored with Voldemort, because he is really ugly and freakish. They find the Mirror of Judgement, which Wormtail purloined from the castle of Slytherin before the collapse, and show it to him. Voldemort sees himself. He begins to cry hysterically. In the subsequent confusion Tom and Lucius seize him and sacrifice him in an attempt to work the ritual without the Cup. It fails, but at least Tom gets strong enough to leave Seamus' body.
18. Seamus revives from unconsciousness and Apparates the heck out of there, because the Irish are a clever people, and they *knew* how many plot complications in DV could have been avoided by teaching the kids how to Apparate. I mean, come on? "You're ready to take on a thousand year old Evil Overlord, but whoah, Apparating? Steady on!" This kind of logic can only be explained one way.
19. Dumbledore is evil. Think about it. Sending Ginny into the past? Splitting Harry and Draco up? Snape walks in on him in mid-Polyjuice. Shockingly, the culprit is none other than Elefthera Parpis. The real Dumbledore is still in a coma somewhere in the Malfoy dungeons. We are shocked, not least because we were promised no more Polyjuice shenanigans. Snape gives her a stern talking-to. She realizes there is someone sexier
than Lucius, and renounces her evil ways.
20. Ginny goes on her own quest to destroy Voldemort, doped up on flora fortis. She arrives at the castle via directions from an owl Seamus-in-Tom's-head sleepwrote. Tom and Lucius teleport her in, and then when Lucius leaves the room she tries to kill Tom with an anchor that she brought along in a vain interpretation of Ben's message, but the sexiness is too much for her. We hiss and boo at her weakness. Lucius comes back and AKs her, because he does not want to share the Tomness. She goes to Hell. D/G shippers rejoice. Tom arranges her prettily on a bed because he is creepy.
21. Seamus gets together with Blaise. They have lots of meaningless sex and angst over how the people they really love don't love them. Later they angst over how the people they really love are dead and complain that the other's hair isn't the right shade of blonde/red.
22. Ginny's body is still in the castle. It turns out that Tom is horribly allergic to the willpower flower. We realize that when Ben said Ginny was the anchor, he meant she was the ANCHOR, ie, A Ninny who Can Hurt an Overlord's Respiration. It turns out that she never went back in time again to see Ben and Gareth; they just saw a Diviner and told her that to make her feel better. Tom dies of swollen throat passages.
23. Fierce debate in Hell ensues over whether this counts as "Avenged".
24. Lucius goes into hiding, but not before making sure Seamus finds out about what happened in Romania. Seamus is traumatized and goes on to star in the televised version of "I May Be a Tiny Chimney Sweep." Cruel, cruel irony.
25. Dean Thomas gets invited to Ireland and is confused.
26. Narcissa finally gets revenge on Lucius. She gets Anton to appear on the grounds of Malfoy Manor, while wearing Lucius' pimp hat(which she has dyed pink) and taunt him with unspeakably rude remarks. Lucius lunges at him in a blind fury, goes through him, and falls into the bottomless pit.
And it is fitting.
27. Wizarding world celebrates. Dumbledore is revived and reinstated; spring semester begins at Hogwarts. None of the main characters show up. Final chapter is an amusing vignette on Neville's attempts to be accepted by the Slytherins.
28. Sirius comments that he told them all he would be no good as a parent. Lupin pats him on the back and makes him spaghetti.
-End-
Flame me not, for I am but a t00b in jest. Free time? Why, yes, yes I do.
~Chresimos